Overanalyzing vs drawing near to God

A few weeks ago, I walked into a room in which two people who I respect and value were talking negative about someone else. So naturally, due to my self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety...I have spent the last few weeks overanalyzing their words and assuming they were about me. This has caused me a lot of extra anxiety, and has made me doubt myself even more. I have no way to know that they were talking about me, and honestly their opinions of me shouldn't matter...but it is so hard for my rational brain to win this argument with my irrational self talk. The worst part of all this is that as annoying as it is to feel judged, it is even more annoying that I can't honestly distinguish between a rational thought or a prideful assumption that I was the center of their conversation.  Ha! Welcome to the crazy that is anxiety.

Today as I was serving in LifeKids, the lesson was about drawing closer to God. It got me thinking a lot about my situation. Why do I care so much about what these people think about me. The harsh truth of it is that I am not drawing as close to God as I should be. I am doing my devotion, and praying, but I am allowing my thoughts to be on things of this world instead of focusing and pursuing God with my whole heart. When I focus on Heavenly things, then my thoughts won't be consumed by what this world thinks of me. Furthermore, I will realize that my actions and contributions to His kingdom far outweigh any amount of superficial friendships or worldly approval.

So what does it look like in my life to draw closer to God. I believe that for me, it means seeking him each time that insecurities sneak in. It means asking him to give me wisdom, patience, guidance, creativity, and joy throughout my day. It means looking deeper into his word to find truth and encouragement. But most of all, it means placing more value on what HE thinks of me then what anyone else in this world thinks about me.

This is not something that happens overnight. I will work to draw closer to God until the day I see HIS face. I might take some steps back, but my prayer is that there will be more steps forward. The good news is that God loves us, and wants us to be close to Him. He never moves away from us. He is never changing and is the definition of love. I just love how when we actively seek God that He helps makes all the muddy muck of life clear. My prayer is that my insight helps someone else who struggles with this, and I hope that you might say a prayer for me in my journey as well.

James 4:8 (KJV)

"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you..."

Spring Babies and School

I have been blessed to have two of the most adorable Spring babies on the planet almost exactly 2 years apart. To me, Spring is the best time of year, and I was so happy to welcome them to the world when it was most beautiful. This was all with the added benefit of being pregnant in the winter which kept my normally cold body warmer, and sheltered me from pregnancy heat of the summer. Anyway, I LOVE my Spring boys!

Spring and summer babies do come with one unique challenge that kids born in the Fall and Winter don't have as much though...which is when will they start school? Do you start them as soon as they can because they have birthdays before the cut off? OR do you wait a year, and then start them when they are one of the oldest in the room? Does it matter if they are social? Does it matter if they already know their basic skills? Will they be bored or behind? Will they be the biggest in the room? Will they be the smallest? Will they get made fun of for either? What if you make the wrong choice and it messes up their education somehow? I know some of these all parents consider...and some of you probably think I'm crazy, but seriously, don't we all want to give our kids the best possible situation for success? Really, that is A LOT of pressure!

I made two different choices for my very different boys. I put my oldest in PreK 3 months after he turned 4 years old. He was a calm and focused boy for the most part. I knew that he wouldn't pose a problem in the classroom, or get in trouble for bouncing off the walls. I knew he was smart, and I never doubted that he would succeed. I did have my concerns that he would be social. I did have my concerns that others would be further ahead simply due to their interest and age. With great doubt of if I was making the right choice, I put him in school with excellent teachers and fabulous staff support. He learned a ton! He loved his teachers. He made a couple of good friends. He learned all his letters, and enjoyed what he learned at school. BUT he struggled to say goodbye in the morning. He hated naptime. He didn't show his real personality until the Spring, and he was so worn out by the end of the day that we were not really able to enjoy our time together because he was stressed and exhausted...which translated to a grumpy and often simple mad little guy.

BUT...He succeeded! He made good friends, and he was able to do what all the teachers expected him to do most of the time. Until the end of Kindergarten and the beginning of 1st grade...Please don't get me wrong or think I am suggesting that my son is way behind or anything like that. But, my boy that absolutely loves books is feeling very defeated with reading. When you enter school, people stop looking at your age in months and just focus on your grade level, and what you should know within a certain time line for success in that grade by the end of the year. AND this is 100% reasonable with the system that we have in place. But, what if my 6 year old who will not turn 7 until May is not developmentally ready to read like the 7 year olds in his class? He just has to keep preserving and not give up. We work harder because he is "behind", but then he starts to dread "homework" time, and my perfectionist of a child would rather just shut down because he sees others having more success faster than him. My super confident young man who used to proudly say he was fast like flash, now tells me that he isn't fast because the other boys (almost all bigger and older) can ran faster than him. And it hits me, for 3 years now I have been wondering if I made the right choice by putting him in school when I did. And, I can not help, but think I did not. I mean, I know everything is meant to be. Maybe some of his friends will remain his best friends for life. Maybe they will always have his back and he will have theirs. Maybe he will meet the love of his life in the right place at the right time because of when he started school when he did. Maybe he will be sympathetic to people who have to work a little harder than others, and it will make him more compassionate and understanding. I really don't know. But, what I do know is that I hate the way he is starting to feel about himself, and it is the absolute last feeling that I ever wanted to give to him. He even recently told me that the other kids made fun of him because he was younger, and he wished I'd waited to put him in school.

AND, I almost made the same choice for my youngest... I applied for a position that I didn't get and it allowed me to keep him in a terrific preschool one more year. He was different though. He most likely would not have been able to sit at school all day and learn. He would have been bouncing off the walls, and making it hard for others to learn. But, he would have been fine socially. He would have easily hugged me bye in the morning and joined his friends. He would have made a lot of friends because he is a huge goofball. One thing I have learned is that I have not for one second regretted or doubted my decision to keep him out of the public school one more year, but I have doubted if I made the right choice for my other son a million times. Parenting is hard! Every child is different, and every situation is different. I understand fully that economics and income can also play huge factors in whether you wait or send your Spring/Summer baby to school...but my advice is if there is ANY doubt and you can, just wait.

My youngest is thriving in preschool, and takes great pride in being in the "biggest class" in the "whole" preschool!!! He still struggles to sit at group time. He is still learning about social interactions, how to handle multiple friendships, and how to be kind to everyone. He gets to learn it in a place that teaches preK and Kindergarten skills, but with a focus on PLAY which he really still needs. He has choices about what he wants to learn and focus on each day, and he has a sense of ownership in his education.  I have no idea if this means that he won't ever be "behind" in his educational achievements...(I am a September birthday and was in remedial reading until the 3rd grade when I was developmentally ready to succeed). BUT, what I do know is that I will not have to wonder if I played a part simply because I sent him to school before he was ready.

I really wish that there was a book that told me exactly what to do step by step to make the best life for my kids. There isn't. SO I am sharing my thoughts and experiences in hopes that it might help another mom, dad, and kid out there. I am praying for my boys, my parenting, and for my mom guilt to diminish. I am also praying for all those other parents out there who are trying their best to make the best choices for their children. I am confident that both of my boys will be readers, and I KNOW that no matter what, they are a gift and they each have a divine purpose in this world!

We Are ALL in this together!

My lifegroup recently had a super fun night at our local county fair. We laughed, ate fried food, and watched our kids full of wonder and excitement as they rode rides and saw all the sights. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. We pray for each other. We build each other up. We share each others' pain, and rejoice in one another's joys. We help each other whenever we can. We have worked on cars, houses, helped each other move, cleaned homes, painted, and watched kids. We have shared too many meals to count, watched fire works, shared stories and songs around a fire, and just enjoyed doing life together. We are not perfect, but we are intentionally trying to grow closer to God by surrounding ourselves with people who are like minded and love God.

We all attend church in the same building, but way more important than that is that no matter where we end up in life... We are the Church. You see, all Christians are part of the capital "C" Church. We are all in this together. It doesn't matter where we live, if we sing hymns or rock out, regardless of our denomination we all have the same goal. That goal should be to reach people to become fully devoted followers of Christ. 

So...I was a bit confused and sad when I read the literature from another place of worship that was passing out info at the fair. I will not name this church, nor do I want anyone to comment with their name...because well...read above! LOL - However, it seemed as if this particular place of worship was a bit confused about who the enemy was. Their literature seemed to criticize another church in the community, or potentially several, that chose to worship and present the gospel a little differently. The devil is the enemy. Christian churches are on the same team, with the same mission. This is not a competition against other believers. I have a hard time believing that a conversation in Heaven would go as follows... "Hey, so I see here that you were part of a church that helped millions of people find God. That is great, but your music was too loud and your message was too culturally relevant...so those people weren't really saved." Yeah, sounds a little crazy, huh? I also don't think this would happen. "You faithfully served in a small church for years. You sang hymns in a small country church and only a few hundred were saved in your time there...so your devotion to God and the church meant nothing." That would never happen. We are all called to this mission. We might be called to missions across the world. We might be called to start a new church, or minister to struggling families. Maybe you are supposed to lead a motorcycle ministry, or start a lifegroup to help grandparents raising kids. Maybe you are supposed to offer to take neighborhood kids to Wednesday night. I don't know! It doesn't look the same for every Christian because we are a diverse world. It takes all kinds of people who have a heart to serve with love and devotion to reach the world. People are different, and they might just need different methods and paths to find Jesus. Once they get there, the message of God's love, forgiveness and grace should be the same truth no matter where it is being spoken. If someone joins me at my church and finds God, AMAZING! Praise GOD! If someone chooses a different church, and finds God there, I am just as happy, and the kingdom rejoices just the same! I hope that we all seek out what God is calling us to, and run after it with all our hearts and with reckless abandon.

I believe that when churches become competitive against one another the true enemy just laughs and smiles. Let's not lose focus people. We are all in this together!

1 Corinthians 1:10 "I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose."

New beginnings

  I don't really know what it is about this time of year that always seems to get me ready to branch out and try new things. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am a teacher and student at heart. Back to school time means unlimited potential. It is a new year, with new kids, new friends, and new opportunities. Inside my soul, I feel like this time just seems right to "reinvent" myself to find new passions and to take chances.
  Last year at this time, I started with an amazing company that I had seem so many people have great success with. I knew the products were reputable. The business model was sound, and I had what it took to make it work. I felt like I did all the right things. I prayed, I took the advice of my leaders, my sponsor was amazing, and I had the best team out there for support. I knew that I was making the right choice stepping on board with this company. I still know that...except my journey did not look like my friends. I did find some success. I did have support. I did have the ability. I could have been successful and still encourage people to take a chance on this company and their products. What I didn't have at that time was the right state of mind. What I didn't tell most people was that my anxiety was literally making me sick. Every morning for almost two months I woke up, if I slept at all in a panic, an almost debilitating panic that made me sick to my stomach and nauseous. I threw up multiple times almost every morning. I could barely get my kids ready for school...in fact many mornings that responsibility rested solely on my husband. I could have continued on, but the weight on my shoulders was just more than I wanted to carry so I reluctantly told my sponsor I had decided to stop, and returned my kit for a full refund. It was an instant weight lifted off my back, but it didn't solve my real problem. From then, I was determined to find a way to peace. I wanted to rest, enjoy my family, write, and look for ways to focus on God and the true blessings that He gives me each day. I wanted to help others struggling. I wanted to be a better wife and mom. I wanted to feel good.
  I have not accomplished all I wanted to in this year, but I am happy to say that I have made some steps in the right direction. I have been more open. I have accepted help, and I have even talked to a medical professional which helped me find a prescription that has offered some relief. I feel best when I spend time in the word, and focus on all of the wonderful things in my life. I still struggle with having the energy to do what I wanted to do. My house is often a mess. My kids argue multiple times a day and sometimes, I don't have the energy to properly help them work through their conflicts, and I find myself getting irritated over things that should not bother me at all.
  I have found a product that I believe will help me over this hump, and I am excited that because of the fairly risk free business model, I am able to promote this business that is changing peoples lives without letting the success of a business consume me. I want to succeed, but more than that, I want to find a way to feel more alive, to have more energy, and a better state of mind. I want clarity of the mind and body. I want to have the motivation and desire to get up and move more, and tackle my day to day task with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I want to keep up with my boys and my students without feeling so drained. I just want more, and I want to help others find the more that they are looking for as well. So...Here's to new beginnings!

The Most Important Thing

Do you ever have so much in your brain that your thoughts get all jumbled and you want to express yourself, but have no idea how? That is where I am tonight. So much I need to get out of my brain, and onto paper, but no idea how to make sense of it all...So please forgive the following rambles. LOL

I'll start off with the fact that this time of year is my absolute favorite. Spring is here! Flowers are blooming, and the rain settles my mind and helps me sleep. There are also so many great memories and celebrations this time of year. We have Easter which is my favorite holiday, followed by two birthdays, my wedding anniversary and the end of school! I have always loved this time of year, and I love that so many amazing things just happened to fall in my favorite season!

With that being said, it seems like the busyness of it all seems to steal some of my joy...and well...that makes me sad! Then I have the inner turmoil of feeling guilty for feeling less than overjoyed when there are so many positives going on in my life right now. Ha! I feel like a mess of contradictory emotions, and feel lost in my own brain.

A contributing factor to my anxious thoughts stems from the upcoming appointment we have for my youngest son. He was born with kidney damage, and had to have surgery to remove a ureter seal when he was 6 days old. I'm reluctant to share too much about his condition because I fear that people will assume I am seeking attention when so many children are far worse off than he. See he is doing amazing! In 4 years, he has yet to be diagnosed with any type of urinary track infection, and with the exception of his first few weeks, he has not had to be hospitalized for any reason. He is a miracle, and I know without a doubt that God has had his hands on him since he was first formed in my womb. With all that said, I know what his future could potentially look like with kidney disease, and his numbers have been slowly climbing so it is often hard to calm my heart, quiet the noise in my head, and trust God's promises and truths. Right now we are dealing with a delay in potty training, and I just don't know what to do. I want so badly for him to be fully potty trained for school, and not to need a 504 plan. I don't want him to go to school and have kids make fun of him for having accidents! I want his kidneys to be perfect. I want his bladder to tell him when he needs to go. I want him to experience the success and pride that comes with going a whole day with dry underwear! Writing this out, I feel like it seems so trivial! I mean, kids born with his exact same condition are now on dialysis awaiting their turn to roll up on the donor list for a new kidney, and here I am complaining that my son is having trouble knowing when to go pee. Some kids don't even make urine! I just want answers, and I want a cure. All of this has just made me feel utterly helpless. I pray every night for his healing, and I know that some day it will happen for him. I don't know how. I don't know when. AND I don't know what the journey will look like on the road to get there. However as I was recently been reminded of from Pastor Craig Groeschel, "You cannot have a testimony without a trial." My peace in all of this is that my son, and my family are growing our faith and our testimony. Maybe one day, I will have insight and wisdom to help another mom that just doesn't know what to do. After all, we are all in this together, right? Right now, the most important thing I need to get into my brain is that even though I am far from where I want to be, I am enough through God. I am exactly who God meant to raise my awesome boys. It wasn't some accident that God gave them to me. He knew that I was what they needed, and He will give me the strength, patience, grace, love and grit to raise them to be Godly men who use their stories to help others find their way to Him.

If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for helping me get out of my own head and share some of whats going on in my life. When I feel helpless, I love that God's words remind me that it was never about me to begin with... 2 Corinthians 9:8 - "And God will generously provide ALL you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share"

Most of my anxious thoughts seem to amplify more when I put my focus on all the 'things', instead of the most important thing...my relationship with Christ. My reading of his word and my thoughtful morning quiet time to focus on Him are essential. Tomorrow, I will wake up early and make sure that He is the first thing I focus on for the day.

Be Still

It has been a long time since my last post. I have felt the quiet words of God throughout my life since my last post whispering His words "Be Still". Honestly, it is some of the best advice this stressed out mom could possibly receive. It is so hard to be still. Even when my body is still my mind is so often occupied with everything possible. Sometimes, you need an example of what it truly means to "be still", and sometimes that comes from an unlikely source.

My most recent reminder came from my always on the go, story telling, hyper-active, loud, exuberant, and free-spirited youngest child. Strange, right? Actually, its really not when you know him, like really know him, not just the loud and playful part of his personality that everyone sees, but his HEART. He lives life on his terms. He stops to smell the roses, chase the butterflies, and tell stories about what he would do if he was a bird. He notices when people need a hug, when your eyes look sad even when you have a smile on your face, and when you need to laugh so hard you cry. At times, he is hard to handle. I call him my sour patch kid. He can sure be a little rascal, but he always makes up for it because sweetness radiates from his sticky smile and unexpected gentleness escapes from his strong and busy hands.

BUT, back to my point... I feel like I am ALWAYS rushing my little man. His pure heart doesn't quite understand the concept of time or the word hurry. It is not uncommon to take ten minutes to get from the gate at preschool to the car to leave. Yesterday, leaving church was no different. It took us awhile to get out of the building (the semi-easy part), and we were on our way to the car park fairly close to the door when he stopped to stare at the ground. I looked back, admittedly slightly annoyed, and started to ask him to hurry or convince him to race me (whatever works, right?), when I heard God whisper to my heart "Be Still". This time, I listened, I stopped, and looked at my sweet boy. Instead of rushing him, I decided to ask him what he found. He told me all about the "tiny ants" that were in his path. "There are ANTS, mommy! They are so nice. They are tiny ants. They don't want to hurt me. They love me. They aren't like big scary ants that are bad guys. Look mommy, they are going home to their families." I just love how he thinks the whole world loves him. Why wouldn't they? He is amazing. He is special. I went and sat on the ground next to him as we watched the ants, until he saw another bug. "Mom, look at that bug walk crazy! He is SO silly mommy. He must be a baby bug. He is learning to walk like his mommy and daddy. Where is he going mom? Is he looking for his family? Oh no! He is going into the road! The cars might squish him! Mommy can you help him? Awe, he likes you mommy. He is giving your finger a hug!" We stopped for one more bug and story before loading into the car to go home.

He sees the world differently than I do. Why? Because he actually takes the times to be still and look at it. As I was thinking about our exchange on the way home, I couldn't help but to think that those moments, and choices I make in them define my direction as well as his, and ultimately our
peace. I will never look back at that moment and think "I wish I'd have made him hurry!" I look back on it instead and remember his curiosity, his amazing eye for detail, his creative and pure heart, and most of all his ability to really take time to enjoy this world that God gave us.

 Mark 4:39 - "When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Silence! Be Still!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was great calm." This passage was found in an account of a terrible storm on the waters as the disciples and Jesus were in a boat. The disciples were scared for their lives as Jesus peacefully slept. They woke him up, kind of angry and bewildered as to why and how he could sleep as they were fighting for survival on the waters. Anxiety and this busy world can feel like a storm. Sometimes it seems like God is no where around when we need Him. However, that is never true! He is always there, we just need to be silent and still, and we need to really look and listen for him to be our calm.