Pounding Heart and Racing Mind

It has been awhile since my last post. This is for a number of reasons, but one is because even though my life daily inspires writing ideas I have felt anxiety about what my next post should be...Weird because this is suppose to be helping with that...but I have learned my anxiety seldom makes sense.

I was laying in bed after putting the boys to sleep. All around was calm. FINALLY! I should be able to rest. Today has been busy. Today has been a bit stressful. Today my youngest woke up crying and spent the last portion of the evening doing the same. Sure, there were good moments in between, but there was also lots of sibling arguments, and many not so great moments. I have kept my cool. I have been the calm (even if only in appearance) to their chaos. Today, I have earned my right to sleep....Yet, there I lay with my mind racing 100 miles per minute, and my heart pounding in my chest. It still is. Pounding! I swear I can hear it. Why? Why, can't I sleep? Why do I have a million things racing in my mind? I cannot finish a complete thought before the next pops in to interrupt. Seriously, in reality, my life is great. I have a good marriage with a man who loves me through my crazy. My kids argue, yes, but ultimately they are amazing! Truly! Each wonderful, unique in a million different ways. I have people who truly care about me. People who love me, and a purpose in life. So why must I struggle like this? I know God's will for me is peace. Why can't I find it tonight?

You see anxiety and stress trigger the same chemicals in your brain as you would get if you needed to run from an angry bear. Fight or flight. Back in the day, that reaction was necessary. I might have legitimately needed the skills to defend myself from a wild animal. BUT, not tonight! Right now, my body is pumping adrenaline to help me either run from a bear or fight it. My body doesn't understand that I need to do neither of those things. I actually need to relax and rest, but my brain is stuck. Fight or flight, Fight OR Flight, FIGHT OR FLIGHT! Bum Bum..Bum Bum..Bum Bum!

The reality is that I only find my center in these situations when I come to God, and the people that He has placed in my life....

So with that thought, I paused to pray and seek God's word in scripture...

My prayer went something like this...Lord, thank you for loving me through it all. Thank you for making sense when nothing else seems to. Thank you for teaching me that there is more to life than fight or flight. There is more than stress and tension. Thank you for asking me to hand over my burden. Right now, I give you my stress. I give you my insecurities. I put my future in your hands. I believe that healing will come. Complete healing. And I believe that you will show me how to give strength to others who struggle with similar fears and anxiety. Lord, I apologize for ever thinking that I could do this on my own, and not putting you first in my life at all times. You are always the answer. You always lead the way as long as I will follow. Thank you Lord for being my peace. Thank you for being the calm to my chaos. Thank you for leading me into my purpose. Even though, I have actively tried to avoid it at times. Please help me to sleep, and bring peace and comfort to those in my life. In Jesus name, Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6 "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

My heart is still pounding, but my thoughts are growing more clear. The tension is slowly leaving my neck and shoulders. This stuff takes time, but thankfully, my God is a patient one. AND He is directing my path. Slower breath, quieter heart beat...I will rest tonight...

How do you find peace and rest in your struggles?

The Better Bitter Brigade

I try to look for the best in people. I feel like I am constantly trying to put myself in the other person's shoes as I try to understand their side, or why they act the way they do. When others want to write them off, I try to help them understand that they may be struggling with something and just not realize how they come off towards others... So when God put the word bitter in my mind, at first, I scoffed it off with a Godlier than thou tone. "Ha, I'm not bitter. This is great for those who struggle with this...But it isn't for me" Then God, as He so often does, told me otherwise. He has this amazing way of helping me see past my pride, and into His truth when I seek Him. I thought about how I often blame my current actions on things that I have went through in the past. In fact, I do it all the time. I have been trying to get better, but I never really considered bitterness being a factor.

You might be wondering why I feel bitter. I could explain all the ways I feel like my life has at times been unfair. I could indulge your curiosity. Maybe I could make you feel sorry for me. Put you on Team Kara - The Better Bitter Brigade. Maybe you would relate to me, and feel more justified in your own bitter journey. BUT this isn't about that! This is about freedom! This is about release, and this is about what I can do in this journey to become a better me. I want to be someone that I am confident with. Someone I am comfortable with. Someone that other people want to be around. Someone that exudes positive energy and love to all those I encounter. I cannot be that person while bitterness litters my brain and the vomit of my woes comes out of my mouth. Too much?! Bitterness is pretty gross, isn't it?

Today I am going to recognize that bitterness can be overcome.

Lord, My prayer is that You will give me the courage to hold tight to the fact that I cannot change the past, but with YOU, I CAN change how I let it determine my future. Thank you God for your love, and your willingness to take on my burdens. Today I give You my bitterness. ALL. OF. IT!!! Please train my mind to be renewed in Your Spirit and let bitterness be transformed into Your Beautiful will and PURPOSE for my life. Amen!

You can choose to be the victim to your past or a valiant warrior facing the trials on the present and future with the hope, strength, and wisdom that your great Leader instills into your life.

Hebrews 12:15 "Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many."

Don't be bitter. God has something better for You!

Frogs Don't Have Ears!

My life seems to revolve around all things little boy. I have two little men. They are messy, adventurous, and inquisitive. They love science, nature, and animals. They express this love through exploration, observation, and hands-on discovery any chance they get. Both of my boys have had their hands on MANY frogs, but I have lovingly referred to my oldest as "frog master". He has this uncanny ability to catch frogs (he gets it from his daddy), and he has observed and handled hundreds in his short 5 year life. He can tell you their life cycle, what sounds they make, what they do in the winter, and their favorite spot at our home in the summer. So I was a bit surprised at the conversation the boys were having on the way to church Sunday.

They were talking about frogs. I was NOT surprised by THAT! My youngest said something about frog ears when E responded, "Frogs don't have ears!". I was enjoying their conversation, and didn't want to mess with the flow. (I mean the moments where they get along should be cherished!) However, I couldn't help but smile and laugh a bit as I explained that frogs actually did have ears. You just don't notice them because they aren't obvious. You have to know what you are looking for. You can't really see them well, but just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there.

Then it hit me. That we are just. like. THAT! Just like the flat ears of a frog, we have so many parts of us that people cannot see. You cannot see anxiety. You cannot see depression. You cannot see pain. You cannot see strength, or hope, or courage. Sure you can see the effects of such things, but ONLY if you know what you are looking for, OR if someone tells you about it.  See I know frogs have ears because along the way someone has took the time to share that information.

The GOOD news!
We all have hidden parts of us. Parts that we wish weren't there. Parts that we'd rather not share with the world. We have been programmed to think that sharing our struggles makes us weak. BUT I am weak, and that's OK! In MY weakness, HE is made strong. God is strong without our weakness, but we have to let Him be glorified in our journey. We have to let HIM have control, and guide us to healing.We are only alone in our struggles if we allow ourselves to be. We have a God that loves us immeasurably more than we can imagine, and His will is to surround us with HIS people that will love and support us through it all. For me, that starts with my family and my lifegroup, and THIS blog! See even with those closest to me, I have a really hard time opening up. It isn't because I don't trust them, but I do not want to be a burden. I don't want them to worry so I try to put on a happy face and trudge on. BUT, that doesn't heal my soul, and it doesn't show my faith and trust in God! We are not designed to face our struggles alone.

Galations 6:2 - "Bear one anothers' burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."