Do you ever have so much in your brain that your thoughts get all jumbled and you want to express yourself, but have no idea how? That is where I am tonight. So much I need to get out of my brain, and onto paper, but no idea how to make sense of it all...So please forgive the following rambles. LOL
I'll start off with the fact that this time of year is my absolute favorite. Spring is here! Flowers are blooming, and the rain settles my mind and helps me sleep. There are also so many great memories and celebrations this time of year. We have Easter which is my favorite holiday, followed by two birthdays, my wedding anniversary and the end of school! I have always loved this time of year, and I love that so many amazing things just happened to fall in my favorite season!
With that being said, it seems like the busyness of it all seems to steal some of my joy...and well...that makes me sad! Then I have the inner turmoil of feeling guilty for feeling less than overjoyed when there are so many positives going on in my life right now. Ha! I feel like a mess of contradictory emotions, and feel lost in my own brain.
A contributing factor to my anxious thoughts stems from the upcoming appointment we have for my youngest son. He was born with kidney damage, and had to have surgery to remove a ureter seal when he was 6 days old. I'm reluctant to share too much about his condition because I fear that people will assume I am seeking attention when so many children are far worse off than he. See he is doing amazing! In 4 years, he has yet to be diagnosed with any type of urinary track infection, and with the exception of his first few weeks, he has not had to be hospitalized for any reason. He is a miracle, and I know without a doubt that God has had his hands on him since he was first formed in my womb. With all that said, I know what his future could potentially look like with kidney disease, and his numbers have been slowly climbing so it is often hard to calm my heart, quiet the noise in my head, and trust God's promises and truths. Right now we are dealing with a delay in potty training, and I just don't know what to do. I want so badly for him to be fully potty trained for school, and not to need a 504 plan. I don't want him to go to school and have kids make fun of him for having accidents! I want his kidneys to be perfect. I want his bladder to tell him when he needs to go. I want him to experience the success and pride that comes with going a whole day with dry underwear! Writing this out, I feel like it seems so trivial! I mean, kids born with his exact same condition are now on dialysis awaiting their turn to roll up on the donor list for a new kidney, and here I am complaining that my son is having trouble knowing when to go pee. Some kids don't even make urine! I just want answers, and I want a cure. All of this has just made me feel utterly helpless. I pray every night for his healing, and I know that some day it will happen for him. I don't know how. I don't know when. AND I don't know what the journey will look like on the road to get there. However as I was recently been reminded of from Pastor Craig Groeschel, "You cannot have a testimony without a trial." My peace in all of this is that my son, and my family are growing our faith and our testimony. Maybe one day, I will have insight and wisdom to help another mom that just doesn't know what to do. After all, we are all in this together, right? Right now, the most important thing I need to get into my brain is that even though I am far from where I want to be, I am enough through God. I am exactly who God meant to raise my awesome boys. It wasn't some accident that God gave them to me. He knew that I was what they needed, and He will give me the strength, patience, grace, love and grit to raise them to be Godly men who use their stories to help others find their way to Him.
If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for helping me get out of my own head and share some of whats going on in my life. When I feel helpless, I love that God's words remind me that it was never about me to begin with... 2 Corinthians 9:8 - "And God will generously provide ALL you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share"
Most of my anxious thoughts seem to amplify more when I put my focus on all the 'things', instead of the most important thing...my relationship with Christ. My reading of his word and my thoughtful morning quiet time to focus on Him are essential. Tomorrow, I will wake up early and make sure that He is the first thing I focus on for the day.
