Justifiably bitter

        I absolutely love that I belong to a church that challenges me and prepares me for greater things. This weekend, my pastors spoke about bitterness. I've blogged about this very topic myself, and it is probably one of my strongest struggles in life. I may not appear to be a bitter person, I sure hope not anyway! However, I have very strong feelings about injustice and mistreatment of others eats me up inside. I will not go into all that, but it is where my bitterness stems. I feel that my kind heart, and love for the underdog is a vital part of who God wants me to be.
         You see what I did there? I justified my bitterness. I am bitter because others were cruel, unkind, and made me this way. (Sarcasm!) I am bitter because my enemy (not a person) wants to stop me from having the relationship with God that I desire. (Truth!) Everyone on this Earth has a "reason" to be bitter. And many have very justifiable reasons. I'm pretty sure that Jesus should be the most bitter of all, right? I mean, people were trying to kill Him before He had a chance to live. No one could even be bothered to make room for his laboring mother for His birth! He was brought into this world surrounded my animals, hay, and probably lots of manure. He lived a life full of integrity and void of sin. He watched as people mocked Him, ridiculed Him, and beat Him. Yet, on the cross as He died for the sins of those same people and people for the rest of existence of the world, He pleaded with God on their behalf (on our behalf). "And Jesus said, forgive them; for they know not what they do..." Luke 23:34. There is no way that I have been wronged more than Christ, and no way that you have either. He loved those who were unlovable, and He STILL does.
         Yes, my bitterness is justified, and yours probably is too...BUT I believe that it is God's desire that instead of justifying all the bitter, that we feed our souls with the truth of His love and forgiveness, and free our hearts of all that heavy bitterness to make room for the love that actually has a place in our hearts. That is my goal as I go into this Christmas and the years to come.

God's Plan is Better than We Could Ever Dream

  This past year has been full of challenges, changes, and choices. Sometimes, in the moment, it seems nearly impossible to know exactly what the best choice is when you are faced with big challenges and big choices. I don't know how many times that I have wished that God would just give me a clear sign on what is best for my family and myself. But, free will makes us responsible for choosing the best choice for ourself. What I have found though, is that God goes with us whichever choice we make as long as we are seeking Him through it, AND He has a plan that is so much greater than we can imagine.
  Nearly one year ago, I wrote a blog post about Spring babies and school. I described my concerns about my own Spring baby who was behind in school. In my heart, I wished that I had kept him one more year in preschool. I felt he would be bigger, more confident, and developmentally ready to be more successful if I could go back in time. BUT, we don't have the ability to go back in time, and regretting a decision of the past was not healthy, and certainly didn't change anything. We just needed to work hard. We needed to read more, and we needed to help him gain confidence. He did become a better reader, and memorized a set of Fly Guy books which was basically the only type of book we could find that he enjoyed and would read himself. But ultimately, it was just not enough. We were all heart-broken for him. He hated reading, and he really didn't like school very much despite my best efforts to help him find the best in it and be positive. He barely talked in class, and he would often tell me about his friends that were reading better, running faster, and making their educational goals. What he couldn't verbalize, but I know he felt is that his friends were going ahead while he was falling behind. One more heart-breaking realization was made about my sweet boy. I had a big, big choice to make that would effect his confidence and his future.
  This summer, as I was trying to map out our finances for the next year, I realized that it would really be helpful if I could increase my income by at least $500 per month. I honestly did not want to change jobs. I had just finished out a year as a two year old teacher, and I absolutely fell in love with twos. I was planning new fun things. I was confident that the next year would be better because I knew more of what to expect, and I was planning to make changes that would make the kids and myself more successful. I loved my boss, and I valued her investment in me and my students. I was finally comfortable which is a place that am not used to being, and I really enjoyed. LOL - However, family comes before comfort so I had to at least inquire about other opportunities. When I saw a friend post about an assistant position open at my old school, I began to talk to the principal. As I was talking to her, a Kindergarten teacher decided to take another job, and everything just fell in place.
  Back to my Spring baby, I still had a decision to make...and now the options had grown. I could keep him in Morrison with his friends that he loved in second grade. I could keep him in 1st grade in Morrison, which is a school district that is home with amazing teachers. I could take him with me put him in second and hope for the best, or put him back in 1st in a new school with a fresh start. To say I agonized about this decision would be an understatement. Ultimately, Ashby and I decided on 1st grade, and when we told him he made decision to go with us. Mainly because it gave him more summer which meant we could take a little family trip.
  I hadn't planned it this way. I never imagined that my child who he bright, inquisitive, and an amazing problem solver would EVER need to be retained, but here we were. When I found out that he had Mrs. Bales, the worry faded away because I knew that she was the perfect fit for my boy. He is now eager to read. He talks to me about his days. He tells me what he is learning. He has surpassed his first quarter reading goal with two and a half weeks to spare, and he now LOVES reading....even though he hasn't actually admitted to that. ;) He doesn't feel insecure about being the youngest, and his confidence is growing by leaps and bounds! Added plus, he smiles and high fives me in the hall when he sees me.
   Honestly, I am still trying to figure out the ropes of being a kindergarten teacher. I hope and pray that I get in all the content that my little minds need, and that I am the teacher that they need and deserve. However, I have never had a team as supportive and helpful as our kindergarten crew, and I am beyond blessed to be on this journey with them to help guide me through. My new boss is pretty great and supportive as well which is icing on the cake. The success of my May baby alone would have made this decision the right one, but a supportive team is just more than I could have hoped or dreamed. God's plans are so much better than mine. I have no idea why I feel like I need to worry or be anxious when God is always with me, and He always has a plan. I need to work on that!
  Maybe you are facing a decision that is big and scary. Maybe you feel like if you make the wrong choice that you will mess everything up. Please trust God, and save yourself the worry. As long as you take Him with you then everything will work out better than any plan that you could imagine. His plans are so much greater than our own!

Look Up

Look Up

Life is happening around us
every second of the day
But do we really see it
in a truly meaningful way?

Look up from technology
for technology is good,
But only if we remember to focus
on the things that we really should

When your kid said look at me
did you really pay attention?
Did you notice that besides his moves
He is maturing and on a mission?

Did you giggle or belly laugh
when your child did something funny,
or were you busy
in pursuit of making money?

Did you notice the glimmer in their eye?
When they reached the sink to wash
Remember times of clumsy holding them
because that sink was once so high?

How did you feel as she crawled up in your lap?
You were busy with that email,
But she rested her head on you chest and patted your back
What if its her last time to do that?

Do we answer all those questions
As we try to finish the bedtime book?
We can almost see their brains growing,
If we take the time to look

Life is often in hurry,
But take time to slow down too
Because they are growing fast
Childhood won't slow down for you!

Look Up
And see your spouse
Look Up
And see your friends
Look Up to see your Father
To find the joy within!

Kara Kirkendall
2/22/18

Overanalyzing vs drawing near to God

A few weeks ago, I walked into a room in which two people who I respect and value were talking negative about someone else. So naturally, due to my self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety...I have spent the last few weeks overanalyzing their words and assuming they were about me. This has caused me a lot of extra anxiety, and has made me doubt myself even more. I have no way to know that they were talking about me, and honestly their opinions of me shouldn't matter...but it is so hard for my rational brain to win this argument with my irrational self talk. The worst part of all this is that as annoying as it is to feel judged, it is even more annoying that I can't honestly distinguish between a rational thought or a prideful assumption that I was the center of their conversation.  Ha! Welcome to the crazy that is anxiety.

Today as I was serving in LifeKids, the lesson was about drawing closer to God. It got me thinking a lot about my situation. Why do I care so much about what these people think about me. The harsh truth of it is that I am not drawing as close to God as I should be. I am doing my devotion, and praying, but I am allowing my thoughts to be on things of this world instead of focusing and pursuing God with my whole heart. When I focus on Heavenly things, then my thoughts won't be consumed by what this world thinks of me. Furthermore, I will realize that my actions and contributions to His kingdom far outweigh any amount of superficial friendships or worldly approval.

So what does it look like in my life to draw closer to God. I believe that for me, it means seeking him each time that insecurities sneak in. It means asking him to give me wisdom, patience, guidance, creativity, and joy throughout my day. It means looking deeper into his word to find truth and encouragement. But most of all, it means placing more value on what HE thinks of me then what anyone else in this world thinks about me.

This is not something that happens overnight. I will work to draw closer to God until the day I see HIS face. I might take some steps back, but my prayer is that there will be more steps forward. The good news is that God loves us, and wants us to be close to Him. He never moves away from us. He is never changing and is the definition of love. I just love how when we actively seek God that He helps makes all the muddy muck of life clear. My prayer is that my insight helps someone else who struggles with this, and I hope that you might say a prayer for me in my journey as well.

James 4:8 (KJV)

"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you..."

Spring Babies and School

I have been blessed to have two of the most adorable Spring babies on the planet almost exactly 2 years apart. To me, Spring is the best time of year, and I was so happy to welcome them to the world when it was most beautiful. This was all with the added benefit of being pregnant in the winter which kept my normally cold body warmer, and sheltered me from pregnancy heat of the summer. Anyway, I LOVE my Spring boys!

Spring and summer babies do come with one unique challenge that kids born in the Fall and Winter don't have as much though...which is when will they start school? Do you start them as soon as they can because they have birthdays before the cut off? OR do you wait a year, and then start them when they are one of the oldest in the room? Does it matter if they are social? Does it matter if they already know their basic skills? Will they be bored or behind? Will they be the biggest in the room? Will they be the smallest? Will they get made fun of for either? What if you make the wrong choice and it messes up their education somehow? I know some of these all parents consider...and some of you probably think I'm crazy, but seriously, don't we all want to give our kids the best possible situation for success? Really, that is A LOT of pressure!

I made two different choices for my very different boys. I put my oldest in PreK 3 months after he turned 4 years old. He was a calm and focused boy for the most part. I knew that he wouldn't pose a problem in the classroom, or get in trouble for bouncing off the walls. I knew he was smart, and I never doubted that he would succeed. I did have my concerns that he would be social. I did have my concerns that others would be further ahead simply due to their interest and age. With great doubt of if I was making the right choice, I put him in school with excellent teachers and fabulous staff support. He learned a ton! He loved his teachers. He made a couple of good friends. He learned all his letters, and enjoyed what he learned at school. BUT he struggled to say goodbye in the morning. He hated naptime. He didn't show his real personality until the Spring, and he was so worn out by the end of the day that we were not really able to enjoy our time together because he was stressed and exhausted...which translated to a grumpy and often simple mad little guy.

BUT...He succeeded! He made good friends, and he was able to do what all the teachers expected him to do most of the time. Until the end of Kindergarten and the beginning of 1st grade...Please don't get me wrong or think I am suggesting that my son is way behind or anything like that. But, my boy that absolutely loves books is feeling very defeated with reading. When you enter school, people stop looking at your age in months and just focus on your grade level, and what you should know within a certain time line for success in that grade by the end of the year. AND this is 100% reasonable with the system that we have in place. But, what if my 6 year old who will not turn 7 until May is not developmentally ready to read like the 7 year olds in his class? He just has to keep preserving and not give up. We work harder because he is "behind", but then he starts to dread "homework" time, and my perfectionist of a child would rather just shut down because he sees others having more success faster than him. My super confident young man who used to proudly say he was fast like flash, now tells me that he isn't fast because the other boys (almost all bigger and older) can ran faster than him. And it hits me, for 3 years now I have been wondering if I made the right choice by putting him in school when I did. And, I can not help, but think I did not. I mean, I know everything is meant to be. Maybe some of his friends will remain his best friends for life. Maybe they will always have his back and he will have theirs. Maybe he will meet the love of his life in the right place at the right time because of when he started school when he did. Maybe he will be sympathetic to people who have to work a little harder than others, and it will make him more compassionate and understanding. I really don't know. But, what I do know is that I hate the way he is starting to feel about himself, and it is the absolute last feeling that I ever wanted to give to him. He even recently told me that the other kids made fun of him because he was younger, and he wished I'd waited to put him in school.

AND, I almost made the same choice for my youngest... I applied for a position that I didn't get and it allowed me to keep him in a terrific preschool one more year. He was different though. He most likely would not have been able to sit at school all day and learn. He would have been bouncing off the walls, and making it hard for others to learn. But, he would have been fine socially. He would have easily hugged me bye in the morning and joined his friends. He would have made a lot of friends because he is a huge goofball. One thing I have learned is that I have not for one second regretted or doubted my decision to keep him out of the public school one more year, but I have doubted if I made the right choice for my other son a million times. Parenting is hard! Every child is different, and every situation is different. I understand fully that economics and income can also play huge factors in whether you wait or send your Spring/Summer baby to school...but my advice is if there is ANY doubt and you can, just wait.

My youngest is thriving in preschool, and takes great pride in being in the "biggest class" in the "whole" preschool!!! He still struggles to sit at group time. He is still learning about social interactions, how to handle multiple friendships, and how to be kind to everyone. He gets to learn it in a place that teaches preK and Kindergarten skills, but with a focus on PLAY which he really still needs. He has choices about what he wants to learn and focus on each day, and he has a sense of ownership in his education.  I have no idea if this means that he won't ever be "behind" in his educational achievements...(I am a September birthday and was in remedial reading until the 3rd grade when I was developmentally ready to succeed). BUT, what I do know is that I will not have to wonder if I played a part simply because I sent him to school before he was ready.

I really wish that there was a book that told me exactly what to do step by step to make the best life for my kids. There isn't. SO I am sharing my thoughts and experiences in hopes that it might help another mom, dad, and kid out there. I am praying for my boys, my parenting, and for my mom guilt to diminish. I am also praying for all those other parents out there who are trying their best to make the best choices for their children. I am confident that both of my boys will be readers, and I KNOW that no matter what, they are a gift and they each have a divine purpose in this world!

We Are ALL in this together!

My lifegroup recently had a super fun night at our local county fair. We laughed, ate fried food, and watched our kids full of wonder and excitement as they rode rides and saw all the sights. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. We pray for each other. We build each other up. We share each others' pain, and rejoice in one another's joys. We help each other whenever we can. We have worked on cars, houses, helped each other move, cleaned homes, painted, and watched kids. We have shared too many meals to count, watched fire works, shared stories and songs around a fire, and just enjoyed doing life together. We are not perfect, but we are intentionally trying to grow closer to God by surrounding ourselves with people who are like minded and love God.

We all attend church in the same building, but way more important than that is that no matter where we end up in life... We are the Church. You see, all Christians are part of the capital "C" Church. We are all in this together. It doesn't matter where we live, if we sing hymns or rock out, regardless of our denomination we all have the same goal. That goal should be to reach people to become fully devoted followers of Christ. 

So...I was a bit confused and sad when I read the literature from another place of worship that was passing out info at the fair. I will not name this church, nor do I want anyone to comment with their name...because well...read above! LOL - However, it seemed as if this particular place of worship was a bit confused about who the enemy was. Their literature seemed to criticize another church in the community, or potentially several, that chose to worship and present the gospel a little differently. The devil is the enemy. Christian churches are on the same team, with the same mission. This is not a competition against other believers. I have a hard time believing that a conversation in Heaven would go as follows... "Hey, so I see here that you were part of a church that helped millions of people find God. That is great, but your music was too loud and your message was too culturally relevant...so those people weren't really saved." Yeah, sounds a little crazy, huh? I also don't think this would happen. "You faithfully served in a small church for years. You sang hymns in a small country church and only a few hundred were saved in your time there...so your devotion to God and the church meant nothing." That would never happen. We are all called to this mission. We might be called to missions across the world. We might be called to start a new church, or minister to struggling families. Maybe you are supposed to lead a motorcycle ministry, or start a lifegroup to help grandparents raising kids. Maybe you are supposed to offer to take neighborhood kids to Wednesday night. I don't know! It doesn't look the same for every Christian because we are a diverse world. It takes all kinds of people who have a heart to serve with love and devotion to reach the world. People are different, and they might just need different methods and paths to find Jesus. Once they get there, the message of God's love, forgiveness and grace should be the same truth no matter where it is being spoken. If someone joins me at my church and finds God, AMAZING! Praise GOD! If someone chooses a different church, and finds God there, I am just as happy, and the kingdom rejoices just the same! I hope that we all seek out what God is calling us to, and run after it with all our hearts and with reckless abandon.

I believe that when churches become competitive against one another the true enemy just laughs and smiles. Let's not lose focus people. We are all in this together!

1 Corinthians 1:10 "I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose."

New beginnings

  I don't really know what it is about this time of year that always seems to get me ready to branch out and try new things. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am a teacher and student at heart. Back to school time means unlimited potential. It is a new year, with new kids, new friends, and new opportunities. Inside my soul, I feel like this time just seems right to "reinvent" myself to find new passions and to take chances.
  Last year at this time, I started with an amazing company that I had seem so many people have great success with. I knew the products were reputable. The business model was sound, and I had what it took to make it work. I felt like I did all the right things. I prayed, I took the advice of my leaders, my sponsor was amazing, and I had the best team out there for support. I knew that I was making the right choice stepping on board with this company. I still know that...except my journey did not look like my friends. I did find some success. I did have support. I did have the ability. I could have been successful and still encourage people to take a chance on this company and their products. What I didn't have at that time was the right state of mind. What I didn't tell most people was that my anxiety was literally making me sick. Every morning for almost two months I woke up, if I slept at all in a panic, an almost debilitating panic that made me sick to my stomach and nauseous. I threw up multiple times almost every morning. I could barely get my kids ready for school...in fact many mornings that responsibility rested solely on my husband. I could have continued on, but the weight on my shoulders was just more than I wanted to carry so I reluctantly told my sponsor I had decided to stop, and returned my kit for a full refund. It was an instant weight lifted off my back, but it didn't solve my real problem. From then, I was determined to find a way to peace. I wanted to rest, enjoy my family, write, and look for ways to focus on God and the true blessings that He gives me each day. I wanted to help others struggling. I wanted to be a better wife and mom. I wanted to feel good.
  I have not accomplished all I wanted to in this year, but I am happy to say that I have made some steps in the right direction. I have been more open. I have accepted help, and I have even talked to a medical professional which helped me find a prescription that has offered some relief. I feel best when I spend time in the word, and focus on all of the wonderful things in my life. I still struggle with having the energy to do what I wanted to do. My house is often a mess. My kids argue multiple times a day and sometimes, I don't have the energy to properly help them work through their conflicts, and I find myself getting irritated over things that should not bother me at all.
  I have found a product that I believe will help me over this hump, and I am excited that because of the fairly risk free business model, I am able to promote this business that is changing peoples lives without letting the success of a business consume me. I want to succeed, but more than that, I want to find a way to feel more alive, to have more energy, and a better state of mind. I want clarity of the mind and body. I want to have the motivation and desire to get up and move more, and tackle my day to day task with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I want to keep up with my boys and my students without feeling so drained. I just want more, and I want to help others find the more that they are looking for as well. So...Here's to new beginnings!